· Initmacy During Shiva  

     · Haircuts and Shaving During Shiva  

     · Grooming Restrictions During Shiva  

     · Appropriate Dress and Clothing Issues  

     · Torah Study During Shiva

The goal of many Shiva-week observances is to encourage the mourner to confront the loss. Pleasure is viewed as a distraction. The hard work of coping with a death in the family is to be faced head on.

Physical comforts: bathing, shaving and wearing leather shoes are suspended. Sensual pleasures as great as making love and as mundane as listening to music and wearing makeup are held from the Shiva observer.

Emotional lightheartedness like losing yourself in play with children is discouraged.

More than the don’ts are the do’s of Shiva. Halacha marks the space for personal mourning by offering restrictions but it is largely silent on what to do during Shiva. Shiva means different things to different mourners. Sharing memories with old photos and letters may be too much too soon for some, but comforting for others. Beginning a journal will help account for the long days of Shiva to capture and identify the feelings and memories as they rush past.

Intimacy During Shiva

Mourners do not lose themselves in the pleasure of making love during Shiva. Other expressions of affection are permitted. Even when the outward expressions of mourning are halted for Shabbat or Jewish holidays, sex remains off limits. The abrogation of mourning during holy days is to maintain the community’s feelings of joy, but personal grief is not expected to disappear.

Haircuts and Shaving During Shiva

Fussing over personal appearance is thought to diminish grief so it is curtailed during Shiva.

Judaism treasures living an active life of mitzvot, learning Torah, and building a world of goodness. But it acknowledges that mourners do not feel up to these tasks and gives them a specific time from for being totally caught up in grief. The restrictions on personal grooming during Shiva and the subsequent mourning periods mark mourners, for themselves and for the public, helping the newly bereaved set aside time for sorrow. No haircuting during Shiva is one of the physical signs of mourning.

In Leviticus two sons of Moses’ brother Aaron die. Moses commands the two surviving sons not to show signs of mourning, specifically to not let their hair grow long and to not tear their clothes (10:6).

Letting hair go untrimmed shows a lack of concern for societal norms. This encourages mourners to focus inward away from the up-to-the-minute pace of everyday life. It is interesting to note that in the prophet Jeremiah’s days long beards were the norm, mourners were distinguished by “shaven cheeks and torn clothing” (41:5).

Mourners who have lost a parent avoid haircuts and shaving for a year at most but many will cut their hair when it has grown past a normal length and 30 days have passed since the burial.

The 30-day mark is significant to all those mourning other relatives as they can take haircuts and shave after that point in time. Shaving is permitted to alleviate skin irritation, and moustaches that interfere with speech and eating may be trimmed beforehand.

In preparation for major Jewish holidays, there are many Halachic opinions that permit mourners, outside of those who have lost parents, to shave and cut hair.

Important events: a court date, a job interview, a family event may merit an early haircut or shave; consult a rabbi for advice.

According to some Halachic opinions, the haircut restrictions are modified for women. They may cut and color their hair earlier than men.

Unmarried women do not have to let their hair go uncut or uncolored either. One possible explanation for this difference is the Halacha’s recognition of the different way men and women value beauty in the opposite sex.

Judaism recognizes feminine tolerance for the unkempt male, while the reverse scenario would find most males, less forgiving.

Nails Care

Nails are not trimmed during Shiva. Like the other personal Shiva observances, unkempt fingernails are a sign of withdrawal from a focus on personal appearance that distracts mourners from Shiva’s central purpose: sorting out the grief and finding a way to live with the loss. Uncomfortable nails may be cared for with any means outside of filing and cutting with nail clippers or scissors – biting and tearing are permitted.

Makeup

Soap and oils applied for medicinal purposes or to remove dirt are permitted, where a face-worth of makeup is not. Yet a woman who is engaged to be married, just about to propose, or be proposed to is permitted to wear a moderate amount of makeup.

Bathing

During Shiva a premium is placed on thoroughly relating to sorrow and dwelling on the pain of a loss. Bathing or showering for pleasure runs counter to this goal. Pleasure, in this case, is defined as immersing or rinsing one’s entire body in hot water. Any permutations of these two elements are allowed: bathing in cool water or soaking a part of the body in hot water is within bounds.

Exceptions are made for those who are ill, pregnant, or have recently given birth. One who bathes often may continue to do so during Shiva, but inconspicuously. If the purpose of the bath or shower is to clean off dirt, and not a nice hot soak, the restriction is lifted.

Children under the age of bar and bat Mitzvah may bathe for any reason, at any time. Since sexual relations are not permitted during Shiva, a woman does not bathe to prepare for the mikvah during this period.

What to Wear

Clothing torn for kriyah is worn throughout Shiva. While sweaty or soiled clothing may be changed, Shiva observers deny themselves the pleasurable routine of putting on fresh clothing. To change out of mourning clothes sheds some of the memory and grief that shroud the Shiva experience. Wearing dark clothing is not a must. But it is hard to muster the energy to wear cheerful patterns.

Laundering during Shiva

Laundry should be avoided or done by non-mourners during Shiva. Because children get so dirty so often it may not be practical to wait for someone else to wash their clothing, and a Shiva observer may launder them.

New Clothing

Crisp new clothing feels wonderful. Shiva observers are encouraged to experience the grief of mourning and do not dilute these feelings with new clothing – except on Shabbat. If new clothes are the only clothing available, it is best to have someone else wear them briefly before the Shiva observer dons them. The Halachic reluctance toward buying and wearing new clothes remains in place throughout the year children mourn parents.

Shoes

Leather shoes, signs of comfort and prestige, are not worn during Shiva. Leather laces are not a problem. Imitation leather should not be worn because it may mislead visitors who may think the material is real leather. These visitors may base their own understanding of Shiva observances on what they saw in a Shiva home.

Pregnant women, women who have just given birth, and people whose feet suffer unless enrobed in leather shoes may wear leather shoes. If at all possible other shoes should be worn during visiting hours.

Leather shoes may be worn in other situations as well, such as on the way to the synagogue services (some say they should be removed before the service). To meet with a government official or to complete dealings with the government, leather shoes may be worn but should be taken off after returning home.

There are some Halachic opinions that ask a mourner to place some earth inside the leather shoes worn during Shiva to maintain an awareness of mourning.

Torah Study

Spiritual joys of learning Torah and wearing tefillin (for the first three days of Shiva) are withheld from the Shiva observer.

Studying the five books of the Moses, the Prophets and the Writings that make up the Jewish Bible, reading commentaries and midrash, learning Gemarah and Halacha fall within this prohibition. Discovering a new understanding of Torah, a chidush, brings profound satisfaction that is out of place during Shiva. One who is pained without Torah study may learn because the purpose of Shiva is to deny pleasure, not to cause pain.

Reading Jewish books pertaining to mourning, studying the mournful words of Eicha – the Book of Lamentations, Iyov - the Book of Job, and the chapters of Jeremiah that describe the fall of Jerusalem are permitted.