· Why Visit A House of Mourning?  

     · Who Should Pay A Shiva Call

     · Telephone and Email Condolences  

     · What to Say At A Shiva Visit  

     · What to Do At A Shiva Visit  

     · What to Bring to A Mourner During Shiva

The mitzvah of comforting a mourner, nichum aveilim, is learned from God. “And it came to pass, after the death of Abraham that God blessed Isaac, his son” (Genesis 25:11). After Abraham died, God visited Isaac, and some commentators explain that this was God’s way of comforting Isaac.

 Why Visit A House of Mourning?

Visitors combat the loneliness. They reaffirm the endurance of warmth and love in a dark world of loss. Jewish tradition emphasizes the worth of a visitor’s presence and not the words a visitor may say. It’s true. There isn’t really anything fitting to say to a mourner. What can be said? What words fit the moment? Sharing warm memories has its place. But the visitor’s presence is most important. Just be there.

Who Should Pay A Shiva Call, and When

Anyone, Jew, non-Jew, friend, relative or relative stranger may visit. No invitations are needed for this visit which is a mitzvah.

Visiting Early

First days of mourning are hardest, and a general practice arose to begin visiting after the first three days passed. This is not a Halacha. Some say this hesitation is uncalled for and visiting should begin immediately. Others suggest that only the closest of friends and family should visit at this tender time. Because opinions vary, either ask a rabbi or do whatever feels to be the most comfortable. Obituary notices may give specific hours for Shiva calls. At the close of the funeral, the rabbi may announce when visitors are welcomed.

Shabbat and Holidays

Shiva visits usually do not take place on Shabbat or on Jewish holidays because public mourning practices are suspended during times of communal joy. This does not include Chol Hamoed, the intermediary days of Sukkot and Passover; Rosh Chodesh, the beginning of the new Jewish month; Purim or Chanukah.

Telephone and Email Condolences

Telephone calls do not take the place or equal person-to-person visits. Of course, when an actual visit is impossible, a call will have to suffice. Try to call in the daytime when the mourner does not have as many visitors. If the conversation is interrupted when visitors come to be with the mourner, be understanding and offer to call back another, less busy time.

E-mail condolences do not have the tangible warmth of a handwritten note. But the value of a memory shared or a loving thought conveyed cannot be underestimated. The actual words written are less important than the love and care the very act of writing expresses.

What To Do At A Shiva Visit

Your presence is the important part of the Shiva visit. What to do and what to say is less important that just being there, Ezekiel the prophet was told to “sigh in silence” with mourners. Do not feel compelled to sit at a low height. The low seats are for mourners only.

The visits are usually brief. A visitor should watch for the cues given by a mourner, whether she wishes to reminisce or not. Keep the mourner at the center of the conversation, even if a question is asked to a guest. Cheering up a mourner, reassuring him “time heals all wounds,” is not the point of the visit.

Greetings

Greeting a mourner is a subject of an interesting custom. Tossing off inquiries like “Hello, how are you?” is considered insensitive. A Shiva visitor will find Shiva house door is often left unlocked to so visitors may enter unannounced, lessening the occasion for automatic words of welcome.

Tradition asks the visitor suppress casual greetings and to remember that these days are unlike any other for the mourner. It is a time when casual conversation is suspended. If greetings are offered by mistake, the mourner may gently remind the visitor about the misstep, but it’s not a huge breach of etiquette. Don’t worry, your caring presence far outweighs any greeting gaffes.

Small Talk – Skip It

Shiva visits begin silently. The mourner should be the first one to speak. When a conversation begins, the purpose is not to help a mourner get her mind off of her loss, but to delve into it.

Every mourner is different, but many find comfort when visitors describe fond memories of the deceased. (Grandchildren haven’t heard the stories you know.) Mourners may not know their father was a favorite co-worker who treated you to lunch after you had a particularly bad day with their boss or their sister was the hit of the sophomore year play – 30 years ago. Conversations with mourners are not scripted by Halacha.

But some words, while meant well, come across as belittling the agony of a loss. “It could have been worse.” “Life goes on.” “God only does for the good.” Hold back. God needs no attorneys to defend His decisions. Don’t encourage a mourner to sit on a low stool, because you don’t want to seem to be encouraging a mourner to grieve more.

Taking Leave

Words fail us at moments such as these. Somehow they are an adequate tool to express the pain, the hope, and the feelings that pile up. At times words sabotage our best intentions.

 Tradition prescribes words of comfort: Ha-Makom yenachem etchem betoch sh’ar aveilei Tziyon V’Yerushalayim. “May God comfort you among the mourners of Zion and Jerusalem.” Hebrew grammar calls for varying the word “etchem” – you – depending on who is being addressed. Etchem is said to a group of male mourners, or a mixed group o fmale and female mourners observing Shiva Together. Otach is said to a female mourner. Ot’cha is said to a male mourner. Etchen is said to a group of female mourners. God’s name in this verse is given as “Ha-Makom,” which translates literally as “The Place.” God is ever-present in times of joy and confusion, levity and grief, and God is still here.

The reference to the mourners of Jerusalem and Zion attests to universality of pain. Loss has etched Jewish history. We are a People who know pain. We are a People who persevere. And we will be with you in your sorrow.

What to Bring to A Mourner During Shiva

Your presence is the most important at a Shiva house. Simply being there at a time of pain, and not even the words you may say, is the essence of the condolence call.

Food

Shiva visitors bring food to a home where Shiva is being observed to free the mourner from the need to prepare food, not to feed those who have come to pay condolence calls. Therefore boxes of candy and baskets of fruit are nice, but nicer still is real food: a pasta dish, a chicken dinner, or a big pot of stew. Take out food is fine as well is something that can be frozen and reheated later, when the mourner is not up to cooking. Some mourners receive far more food than they can use. Call and see if bringing food is in order.

Other Options

Offer help. Take the kids out to give parents some respite. Take books back to the library or return videos. Pick up dry cleaning. Help right the disrupted pieces of life. One rabbi told of a time he visited a man who was sitting Shiva for his wife. The home was in disarray, particularly the kitchen floor. The rabbi picked up a broom and began sweeping. Of all the words the rabbi said, it was the five-minute chore that the family remembered with the most warmth.

Do Not Bring Gifts

Gifts are not part of the Jewish mourning tradition. Shiva is a time for the mourner to reflect on the sorrow, to wallow in it, and it is not the role of the visitor to help a mourner “get over it” with cheerful flowers or cute pillows or aromatherapy candles. Save those for later.

Tzedakah – Giving Charity

Feelings and care can be shown with a donation to the mourner’s favorite charity or to a cause the deceased supported in life, which may be listed in the obituary notice. Sponsoring synagogue ornaments, prayer books, or programs as a memorial is fitting. Synagogues send tribute cards to inform mourners of these thoughtful gifts.