· Greetings – What to Say During Shiva  

      · Staying Home and the Exceptions During Shiva  

      · Participating in Joyous Occasions  

      · Prayer Services  

      · Jewish Festivals During Shiva  

      · Last Day of Shiva

Greetings – What to Say During Shiva

Small Talk

Small talk is discouraged during Shiva, because it is “small”: lighthearted and unfelt. Mourners and their visitors do not say “hello” or ask “how ya doin’” during Shiva.

After Aaron, brother of Moses, found out that his two sons died, the Torah describes Aaron’s reaction: “And Aaron was silent” (Leviticus 10:3). The prophet Ezekiel describes mourners as those who “sigh in silence” (24:17).

Doors at a Shiva house are often left unlocked to so visitors may enter unannounced, lessening the occasion for automatic words of welcome. Especially problematic is the word “Shalom.” With multiple meanings, it is the Hebrew word for “hello,” “goodbye,” and “peace.”

God is known as “Shalom.” Herein lies the problem. A mourner is too close to loss to associate death with any sort of peaceful intent on God’s part. Mourners answer greetings during Shiva by gently reminding visitors of the custom to avoid greetings during Shiva.

After the first three days of Shiva, there are some opinions that permit a mourner to answer the greetings quietly. After Shiva, the restriction ends except for those who are mourning a parent. A full year passes before a child can find strength enough to answer “shalom.”

Shabbat Shalom

Responding to “Shabbat shalom” during Shiva is permitted because public mourning practices are suspended on this holy day. There is a difference in opinion whether a mourner should initiate these greetings.

Why Are Mourners Homebound?

Shiva isn’t easy. Dwelling with death 24 hours a day for the entire seven days is trying, but those who have gone through the experience speak of the peace of mind that came from devoting their entire selves to mourning their close relatives for that period. A mourner retreats to help the loneliness of a loss settle into place. One son regarded his uninterrupted Shiva a way to honor the restless nights his mother spent tending to him as a child. To paraphrase author Anita Diamant: better seven days of Shiva than years on the therapist’s couch.

Leaving the Home is Permitted to perform

Mitzvot Halacha lets a mourner leave the home to do mitzvot: to attend a minyan, to buy tefillin, to have a brit performed on his son, or any mitzvah that can be fulfilled only by the mourner. mitzvot others can do, like attending a relative’s brit or comforting another mourner, are not reason enough to leave the home.

Space Restrictions

If Shiva is being observed outside the mourner’s home, the mourner may leaving the Shiva house at night if sleeping space is limited or when the mourner is needed at home. It is also permitted to travel to another home to observe a portion of the Shiva in more familiar surroundings than a distant childhood home.

Going to Work

Based on the words in Ezekiel “and I will transform your festivals into mourning,” the restrictions on work during Shiva mimic the work prohibitions associated with Chol Hamoed, the quasi-holy days of Passover and Sukkot. Details and exceptions make this a complicated subject, and a rabbi should be consulted to address a personal situation. Basically, the first three days of Shiva are the most restrictive, saving a life takes precedence over observing Shiva, and one is not expected to accept dire poverty in order to keep this aspect of Shiva.

Participation in Joyous Occasions

Circumcision - Brit Milah during Shiva

 Parents may attend their son’s Brit Milah during Shiva. They may participate in the preparations and take part in the festive meal following the brit. A Shiva mourner may accept a request to act as a sandak, but it is best not to choose a mourner for this honor.

Redemption of the First Born Son - Pidyon Haben during Shiva

Unless no other Kohen is available, a mourner should refrain from officiating at a ceremony to redeem a firstborn son. For those mourning a parent, this period ends after the shloshim, the first thirty days of mourning. All other mourners may accept this honor after Shiva ends.

Shiva House Prayer Services

During Shiva, prayer services are held in the house of mourning to provide the mourners with an opportunity to say Kaddish without leaving the home.

The Talmud tells of a time that Rabbi Judah the Prince once visited the home of a deceased person who had no mourners. Afterward, Rabbi Judah reported a dream-visit by the departed soul who described the comfort he felt thanks to Rabbi Judah’s prayers and presence. (Shabbat 152b) Based on this account, the traditional preference has been to hold prayer services in the home of the deceased.  If there is a choice of holding a minyan in two houses of mourning, when one is filled with mourners and the other is empty, the minyan is held in the latter.

In many communities gathering a minyan in a house of mourning is not feasible. Should this be the case, the mourner may attend synagogue services to say Kaddish. The rabbis advised mourners to travel alone to the synagogue so the obligation to pray does not turn into an outing. Once at the services, the mourner keeps his loss at the forefront of his and the congregation’s mind by sitting in a different seat than usual.

Prayer Changes During Shiva

Special sensitivity is shown to the mourner’s fragile state of mind. Tachnun, the prayer that deals with regret for misdeeds, is not said in a house of mourning. This spares a mourner from feeling as though personal sins brought about the death of a loved one. Words of praise to God were not expected to flow from a mourner’s mouth. Hallel, the prayers of praise said on holidays and at the beginning of a new Jewish month, is not said by a mourner during Shiva. Mourners add the words of Psalm 49, a meditation on death’s power over pride, the meaninglessness of wealth, and the ultimate protection God gives the soul. Mourners say the psalm during the morning Shacharit service and the evening Maariv service, and some say it at the afternoon Mincha service.

Torah Services

The Torah is brought to the Shiva house (except in some Sephardic communities). Although it is only read Monday and Thursday, the scroll remains in the home for the Shiva week to spare it disrespectful shuttling to and from the synagogue. During Shiva, the mourner is not called to the Torah. If a mourner is called up for an Aliyah on Shabbat, he may accept the honor to avoid diminishing the community’s joyous celebration of Shabbat.

Havdalah – Marking the End of Shabbat

Havdalah’s opening words, “Behold God is my salvation, I will trust in Him and not be afraid. Because He is my strength and I will sing to Him,” run contrary to the doubt and misgivings a mourner feels towards God. A mourner recites the Havdalah service alone and skips this first paragraph.

Mourning is Postponed or Shortened

Jewish holidays pit the community’s obligation to celebrate against an individual’s need to mourn. The rabbis who set out Halacha consistently favored the observances that supported the rhythm of life over the pattern of remembrance. Exact details of what to do are numerous. In general, a mourner rises from Shiva when a holiday begins even if the seven days aren’t completed. Shiva is observed after a Yom Tov if a burial takes place on Chol Hamoed, the intermediary days of Sukkot and Passover. A rabbi is the best source for exact information about the particular nuances of specific holidays.

Shabbat and Shiva

Public signs of mourning are suspended on Shabbat, even though it does count as a day of the Shiva. Mourners sit on normal chairs, uncover the mirrors, leave the house, and wear leather shoes outside the home. Personal mourning observances aren’t suspended. The mourner is seen as not quite ready to leap back into life. Spiritual joys like learning Torah or being called up for a Torah honor are withheld. Sensual pleasure, like making love, is still put on hold.

Last Days of Shiva

The first waves of shock and grief send the bereaved into Shiva, a full retreat from life. On the morning of the seventh day, Shiva ends. Slow reconnections with life and the world of the present begin. It’s customary for the mourner to talk a walk around the block to symbolize the mourner’s emergence from the days of sitting with grief. Once grief confined the mourner to the home. Now the mourner doesn’t have to let go of the pain, but just learn how to carry it along. Walking clears the mind. The journey begins.