Sitting shiva – When and Who?
A death in the family stretches and slows and blurs time. Traditions clear a path through the pain, giving voice to the expression of loss and leading mourners back to life as the observances lessen with each succeeding week, then month, then year.
Shiva is the first, most intense period of mourning which lasts seven days. Many Reform Jews choose to sit shiva for three days keeping with the rabbinical sources, who view the first three days of mourning as filled with the most intense grief.
Parents, siblings, spouses and children sit shiva, although others may join in for some or all of the observances. Shiva observance begins after interment or as soon as it is clear a body will not be recovered.
Many observances surround shiva, such as sitting on low stools, covering mirrors, abstaining from lovemaking, refraining from wearing leather shoes, holding off from shaving or taking a haircut. How you choose to express grief depends upon which observances speak to you.
Lighting A Shiva Candle
Candles are lit in the shiva house. The candle is lit with the words: Key ner Elohim neesh-mat adam – For the candle of God is the human soul. Its flame flickers casting pure light, like a soul freed from its physical boundaries. Others say the blessing Barukh Ah-ta Adonai no-teh be-toe-chay-nu cha-yay oh-lam – Blessed is God who implanted within us eternal life.
Some Sephardic Jews keep the candle burning for the entire mourning year.
The First Meal – Seudat Havraah – Meal of Recuperation
Combating the profound loneliness of a mourner is the reasoning behind the custom of serving a mourner a special meal upon returning from the cemetery. Providing a mourner with food says “we are with you in your sorrow” more and more appropriately than words that feel clichéd and hollow.
The meal begins with bread. Eggs, lentils, and round cakes are served as their round shape brings to mind the unending cycle of life, subtly bringing the message that as much as death as a part of the world so is life. And life goes on.
Some Sephardic Jews refrain from eating meat and drinking wine, the foods of joyous occasions.
Prayer Services
Holding prayer services in the house of mourning surrounds mourners with a loving community, a source of comfort. When prayers services cannot be held in the home, the mourner attends the synagogue services.
Jewish Holidays During Shiva
It is the mourner’s decision whether shiva observances should be suspended during Jewish holidays, as is traditional.
