Explaining Death to Children
Jewish law doesn’t prescribe a formula for talking with children about death. The ideas below are based upon an essay in Jewish Family and Life (See the Bibliography section for resource information.)
Try to avoid euphemisms with children who may not grasp what you are trying to say. “Passed away,” “went to another world,” or “went to a better place” are easier to say but not as clear as saying “died.” Be clear that a cemetery is where dead people are buried, not resting, not sleeping, and not the home of ghosts in cartoons. Saying “grandpa went to sleep and didn’t wake up” is frightening for children who are told to go to sleep each night.
Explaining what death means can be done through examples. Broken toys, ones that won’t work even with new batteries, may help explain why a doctor couldn’t cure a grandparent. Putting death into a child’s terms may mean saying that death is when people cannot laugh or cry anymore, like a friend who moved away, but can’t call or write anymore.
It is comforting to mention the part of a person that lives on. Depending on what you believe, you could explain that a person has two parts: body and soul. Death is the end of the body, but the soul lives on. Or if soul talk is uncomfortable, speak of love and memory that remain like a song sung without the printed lyrics in hand.
Be reassuring. Driving home the universality of death is not a must. This may not be the time to explain “Everyone dies. Mommy, Daddy and even you will die some day.” Some discussions are best saved for another time. Be sure to remind them that you are willing to talk about their sadness, even if it makes you sad.
Avoid burdening a child with your hostility. Just like it’s damaging to slam an ex-spouse before your children, it’s not productive to say: “Grandpa would have lived longer if not for that no good sister of mine.”
Bringing Children to a House of Mourning
Shielding children from mourning is not always in their best interest. Use your judgment, but a visit to someone who is observing shiva may demystify the impact of death and mourning. By offering condolences in person, a child learns the value of comforting the bereaved.
