· Attending A Jewish Funeral  

     · Seudat Havraah – Meal of Recuperation

Attending A Jewish Funeral

Before the Funeral

Implicit in words of condolence is the hope that a mourner will recover from the loss, go on with life. These sentiments, while meant in the best of intentions, were viewed in the eyes of the Mishnaic sages as harsh and inappropriate before burial. “Do not comfort the mourner while the dead lay before him” (Mishna Avot 4:18). Before the funeral offer help: pick up carpool, shuttle relatives in from the airport, fetch extra chairs for the Shiva home, but save words of comfort for later.

Flower Free Funerals

Flowers are not brought to a Jewish funeral. In earlier times, fragrant blooms camouflaged the scent of decay – an unnecessary measure for Jewish burials that were held soon after death. Modern post-mortem practices have eliminated the need for covering up odor. Giving charity of in memory of the deceased is more appropriate. Favorite charities are often listed in the obituary notice.

What to Say After the Funeral

Words fail us at moments such as these. Somehow they are an adequate tool to express the pain, the hope, and the feelings that pile up. At times words sabotage our best intentions.

Tradition prescribes words of comfort:

Ha-Makom yenachem etchem betoch sh’ar aveilei Tziyon V’Yerushalayim.

 “May God comfort you among the mourners of Zion and Jerusalem.”

Hebrew grammar calls for varying the word “etchem” – you – depending on who is being addressed. Etchem is said to a group of male mourners, or a mixed group o fmale and female mourners observing Shiva Together. Otach is said to a female mourner. Ot’cha is said to a male mourner. Etchen is said to a group of female mourners. God’s name in this verse is given as “Ha-Makom,” which translates literally as “The Place.” God is ever-present in times of joy and confusion, levity and grief, and God is still here.

The reference to the mourners of Jerusalem and Zion attests to universality of pain. Loss has etched Jewish history. We are a People who know pain. We are a People who persevere. And we will be with you in your sorrow. Frequently, placards printed with this phrase will be posted near the mourner’s chair.

Why Serve a Meal

Combating the profound loneliness of a mourner is one reason for the custom of serving mourners a special meal upon their return from the cemetery. Providing a mourner with food says “we are with you in your sorrow” by the spoonful.

Who Prepares the Meal

Judaism feared that a mourner would deprive himself of food as a form of self-punishment, a way to bring on death and to join the one he missed. Thus, others were made responsible for at least bringing a first meal. Ideally, neighbors and friends bring the meal.

Children may prepare the meal for their parents or mourners may set the Seudah out for each other. A mourner may even prepare it for herself; there is no need to fast. Before eating the meal, a mourner may snack – cake, coffee, fruit. But the first major meal should be the Seudat Havraah.

The Menu

The meal begins with the Hamotzi blessing made over bread, the symbolic “staff of life.” Neighbors and friends serve eggs and lentils because their round shape subtly brings to mind the unending cycle of life. Of birth and death. And life goes on.

Eggs stand out as one of the only foods that harden as they cook. They are served as to encourage mourners to summoning the strength to ride out pangs of mourning.

Some Sephardic Jews refrain from eating meat and drinking wine, the foods of joyous occasions.

Some Ashkenazi Jews will offer mourners a cup of wine or a shot of hard liquor immediately after their return from the cemetery. Proverbs (31:6) proclaims that wine is not for kings or princes but for those with heavy hearts.

On Holidays

Public mourning observances, like the Seudat Havraah, recede in the face of communal joy. This meal is not served on Shabbat, on Jewish holidays, on late Friday afternoon before Shabbat, or in the hours before a Jewish holiday begins. However, a Seduat Havraah is served on Rosh Chodesh, the festive days celebrating the new Jewish month, Chanukah, Purim and Chol Hamoed, the intermediate days of Passover and Sukkot.

So high is the expectation of that the community will prepare this meal that a Halacha exists to tell mourners that they may cook all other meals following the Seudat Havraah. Unfeeling neighbors who chose not to bring over this meal were the subject of disdain and even a curse in the Jerusalem Talmud.