Before Attending the Funeral
Implicit in words of condolence is the hope that a mourner will recover from the loss, go on with life. (One well-meaning friend told a newly bereaved woman: “Now you’ll join the lonely widows’ club.”) These sentiments, while said with good intentions, were viewed in the eyes of the Mishnaic sages as harsh and inappropriate before burial. “Do not comfort the mourner while the dead lay before him.” (Avot 4:18)
Instead of talking before the funeral, offer help: pick up carpool, shuttle relatives in from the airport, fetch extra chairs for the shiva home, but save your words of comfort for later.
Don’t Bring Flowers
Flowers are not brought to a Jewish funeral. In earlier times, fragrant blooms camouflaged the scent of decay – an unnecessary measure for Jewish burials, which were held soon after death. Modern post-mortem practices have eliminated the need for covering up odor. Giving charity in memory of the deceased is more appropriate. Favorite charities are often listed in the obituary notice.
Pay A Shiva Visit
Anyone, Jew, non-Jew, friend, relative or relative stranger may visit the house of a mourner. No invitations are needed for this visit, which is a mitzvah. The tradition to visit a mourner is an ancient one. In the Book of Job, friends hear of Job’s loss and “They sat down with him on the ground for seven days and seven nights and none spoke a word to him.” (Job 1:13)
Shiva visits are usually brief. A visitor should watch for the cues given by a mourner if he or she is ready to speak about the loved one or not. Keep the mourner at the center of the conversation, even if a question is asked to the visitor. Cheering up a mourner, reassuring him “time heals all wounds,” is not the point of the visit. Remember to say good-bye before you leave.
If a mourner chooses to sit on a low stool, do not feel compelled to sit at a low height as well. The low seats are for mourners only.
Prepare Food for the Mourner
A special meal is served to mourners after they return from the cemetery to combat their profound loneliness. Providing mourners with food says “we are with you in your sorrow” more and more appropriately than clichéd and hollow words.
The meal begins with bread. Eggs, lentils, and round cakes are served. Their round shapes bring to mind the unending cycle of life. Life and death are inexorably linked, but life goes on.
Some Sephardic Jews refrain from eating meat and drinking wine, the foods of joyous occasions.
The purpose of food at a home where shiva is being observed is to free the mourner from the need to prepare food, not to feed those who have come to pay condolence calls. Therefore boxes of candy and baskets of fruit are nice, but nicer still is real food: lasagna, a chicken dinner, a big pot of stew. Take out food is fine as is something that can be frozen and reheated later, when the mourner is not up to cooking. Some mourners receive far more food than they can use, a phone call can clarify if bringing food is in order.
Offering help is a variation on this theme. Take the kids out to give parents some respite, take books back to the library, return videos, pick up dry cleaning. The help you extend to right the disrupted pieces of life may be most appreciated.
One rabbi visited a man, who was sitting shiva for his wife. The home was in disarray, so the rabbi picked up a broom and began sweeping the kitchen. Of all the words the rabbi said it was his five-minute chore that the family remembered with the most warmth.
Gifts are not part of the Jewish mourning tradition. Shiva is a time for the mourner to reflect on the sorrow, to wallow in it, and it is not the role of the visitor to help a mourner “get over it” with cheerful flowers. In general, flowers are not part of a Jewish funeral or mourning. Feelings and care can be shown with a note or a donation to the mourner’s favorite charity, which may be listed in the obituary notice. Sponsoring synagogue ornaments, prayer books or programs as a memorial, is fitting. Synagogues often send tribute cards to inform mourners of your gift.
