· Filling In the Grave  

   · The Burial Kaddish  

   · Kriyah – The Tearing Ritual    

   · Recessional  

   · Alternative Burial Practices  

   · Burial for Non-Jews, Apostates, and Suicides  

   · Cemetery Etiquette

Graveside services are brief.

Psalm 23 “The Lord is my Shepherd” and Psalm 91 reassure mourners that God is watching over them, they are not alone.

Part of the funeral service directs mourners to learn from death. A reading of Mah Adam, “What is man?”, a collection of verses from several sources remind mourners that “man is like glass renewed in the morning.” Each day is a gift. As the time for burial nears, the Onen period of mourning, when outward allegiance to God is not expected, comes to a close.

The Tzidduk Hadin prayer, accepting God’s judgment, is recited, and the first strands of reconnection to God are created out. This prayer is said either just before or just after the body is interred.

The words of praise in the Eshet Chayil, a Woman of Valor, are often recited at a woman’s funeral. Written by King Solomon in Mishlei, Proverbs, the Eshet Chayil describes a resourceful, industrious woman who constantly looked out for the good of her family and those around her. Some commentators explain that these words were first said by Abraham when he eulogized Sarah.

El Maleh Rachamim “God, Full of Mercy” is recited now if it wasn’t said at the funeral.

Filling In the Grave

The sense of finality that permeates a Jewish burial service is especially evident as family members and mourners fill the grave. The hollow thud of the earth as it settles over the coffin sharpens the reality of death. Facing this reality is a first hurdle to healing. Shovels are held backwards to set apart covering a grave from all other shoveling. Each mourner sets the shovel down after helping to fill in the grave so that sorrow and loss will not be passed along to others.

Standing by the grave until it is completely filled is a customary final act of honor given to the deceased. Only extenuating circumstances – a sudden downpour – should force the mourners to leave the graveside before the grave is covered.

The Burial Kaddish

Mourning rhythms begin with the Kaddish. A special opening paragraph differentiates the burial Kaddish from all others. At this moment of loss, the mourners pray for the resurrection of all those who have passed and for the rebuilding of Jerusalem and the Holy Temple within it. The burial Kaddish is recited only in the presence of a Minyan of ten adult men.

Origin and Explanation of the Custom

Since biblical times Jews have ripped their clothing when the fabric of life has been torn. When Jacob thought Joseph had been killed, he immediately tore his garment (Genesis 37:34). King David mourned his beloved friend Jonathan and his pursuer King Saul in the same way (Samuel II 1:11). Job stood and rent his clothing upon receiving news of his children’s death.

Kriyah marks a person as a principal mourner, but there are many other reasons why it is done. In the eyes of some commentators the act is symbolic of the souls that was torn from the body that covered it like a garment.

Others explain the physical act of tearing provides an outlet for a mourner’s desire to give place to mourning by inflicting bodily harm on himself. Wounding oneself as an expression of grief was a pagan practice explicitly forbidden by the Torah.

Some Jewish legal thinkers comment that ripping momentarily diverts the mourner’s attention away from excessive grief to the monetary loss of the garment.

Who Tears

Parents, spouses, siblings, half-siblings and children are mourned with Kriyah, the word for tearing.

Daughters- and sons-in-law may tear Kriyah, but only if living parents do not object. One reason Kriyah was limited to these relatives, to keep mourning from absorbing the energies too many.

Newlyweds celebrating their first week of marriage do not have to perform Kriyah. Nor do children under the age of Bar and Bat Mitzvah, but if they understand their loss it may be advisable to include them in this and other mourning customs.

Communities will sometimes perform Kriyah when a particularly great person passes on.

How Kriyah is Done

Clothing may be changed before performing Kriyah. Grief doesn’t gain value or truth by ruining your best suit or newest shirt. The torn garment is worn throughout Shiva. Be practical and tear clothing that will stand up to a week of wear.

A Kriyah tear is meant to be seen and immediately recognized by others. Tears are made in clothing that covers the upper body: shirts, jackets, sweaters, vests and even ties if the mourner always wears a tie and if a substantial tear can be made near the neck. Vertical tears, three-and-a-half to four inches in length, distinguish the Kriyah tear from an accidental rip.

For the same reason, Kriyah is not torn along a seam. Hand tearing of clothing begins with a nick from a knife or scissors at the edge of the garment. Like Job, we stand to honor the life we are mourning as we tear. The tear is ripped on the right side except for those who are mourning a parent.

Losing a parent tears at the heart so children tear on the left side, over the heart. A blessing of acceptance punctuates the Kriyah:

Baruch atah Adonai Eloheinu Melech HaOlam Dayan HaEmet.

Blessed are You, God, our God, King of the World, [You are} the true judge.

Unlike garments torn for other relatives, a rip made for parents is never repaired. Some wounds are too profound to fully heal.

Mourning Ribbons

Tearing a mourning ribbons instead of clothing does not fulfill Kriyah. A mourner should perform Kriyah even after being presented with a ribbon.

When to do Kriyah

Broken hearts bring on Kriyah. Tearing is done based on feeling, either upon hearing the news, at the chapel before the service, or alongside the grave after the burial. Rabbis help families with the Kriyah and the blessing.

Mourners perform Kriyah publicly for a relative, privately for all others. Sephardic Jews tend to perform Kriyah at home after the funeral.

With the end of the burial, the community’s obligation to comfort the mourner begins. Those who have attended the funeral form parallel lines for the mourners to walk through. They insulate the mourners.

Words fail at moments like these. Somehow they aren’t enough to encompass the pain, the hope, the torrent of feelings pile up and confuse the best intentions. Tradition prescribes words of comfort: “May God comfort you among the mourners of Zion and Jerusalem.” Loss has etched Jewish history. We are a People who know pain. We are a People who persevere. And we join you in your sorrow.

The Sephardic tradition of saying “Min Ha-Shamayim Te-nuchamu,” meaning “May your comfort come from heaven” conveys a different take on solace. Healing is beyond human hands, it is granted from Above.

Alternative Burial Practices

Cremation

Cremation runs counter to Judaism’s demand that a body be accorded the honor of natural decomposition.

The actual Halacha against cremation is based upon the Torah’s words “you shall bury him” (Deuteronomy 21:23). Cremation is viewed as particularly disrespectful to a body that was fashioned in the Image of God. The ovens of the Holocaust gave hundreds of thousands an involuntary cremation, adding an extra note of objection to this practice. As the casualties of tragedy and slaughter, too many of our ancestors were not given the honor of marked, individual resting-places. Scattering ashes continues this unfortunate legacy.

A request for cremation is against Halacha and may be ignored in favor of a proper Jewish burial. One cannot ask another to violate a Torah law. The one who carries out a misdeed cannot attribute a transgression to someone else’s request because this would create a chaotic society bereft of personal responsibility.

Choosing cremation as a final act of defying Jewish tradition provoked the halachic authorities to rule that the ashes could not be buried in a Jewish cemetery.

Survivors are not obligated to sit Shiva for a relative who has been cremated. A gentler view may be taken when cremation was chosen out of ignorance of Jewish law or a lack of regard for Jewish law because of ignorance. In such cases, a rabbi should be consulted.

Mausoleum

Jewish luminaries are sometimes honored with a mausoleum built around the in-ground gravesite. The spirit of a Jewish burial is to keep the marker humble, but such a mausoleum does not violate Halacha. However, above ground burial in a mausoleum runs counter to the mitzvah of Jewish burial expressed in the Torah as “kavor n’kvru,” translated as “surely you shall bury them.” This phrase, a double statement of the word for burial, has been interpreted as an explicit directive for an in-ground burial. In earthquake prone areas, concrete vaults to keep the grave in place may be required. These do not pose halachic problems.

Non-Jewish Relatives in a Jewish Cemetery

It is understandable that those who have been together in life would want to remain so in death, but usually non-Jews are not buried in a Jewish cemetery.

Apostates Jewish souls are indestructible. Other religious beliefs may be layered over it, but once a Jew, always a Jew. Still there is a reluctance to extend the privilege of a Jewish burial to a Jew who chose another religion. A knowledgeable rabbi should be consulted for specific guidance.

Suicide A paradox surrounds the halachic view of burying those who committed suicide. Mourning privileges are traditionally denied to a person who committed suicide in a fully mentally stable state. But suicide is a wrenching expression of an unstable mental state, an uncontrollable depression, an overpowering bleakness. Many rabbis are of the opinion that full burial and mourning rites should be given to suicide victims.

Cemetery Etiquette

Because lives are honored at a cemetery, attending a funeral dictates dignified behavior. Dress at a Jewish funeral is aimed at respect more then solemnity. Though black clothes are not required at a Jewish funeral, it’s better not to wear sweats, gym clothing or work uniforms. Think twice before wearing jeans. Shmoozing and lighthearted talk are out of place at a cemetery.

Even though cemeteries are often grassy and well shaded, they are not parks. Deriving benefit from a cemetery is contrary to Jewish tradition, so try not to walk on gravestone. Sitting near graves is fine, but eating and drinking at a gravesite is in poor taste.