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Which Relatives Become
Onenim
Basic Guidelines to Assuming Onen Status
Men and women, married or unmarried, who have lost a parent, sibling,
half-sibling, spouse or child, and who are or could be involved in the
funeral arrangements observe Onen laws.
Children under the age of bar or bat mitzvah do not have to
observe any of the mourning laws. It may benefit a child, who
understands what is happening, to keep some of the laws.
The Onen period begins once the family has possession of the
body and until the body has been placed in the care of the Chevra
Kaddisha.
When close relatives listed above will not attend the funeral, the
Onen period ends after the grave is filled with earth.
Delayed Burials and Onen Status
Delayed burials have different laws best explained by a knowledgeable
rabbi. For example, if the burial does not take place immediately,
only one directly involved in making the plans becomes an Onen.
Prescribed Defiance:
Suspension of Mitzvah Obligations
Death provokes the darkest view of God.
Why live in the way of God when God has brought such pain?
Jewish law expected, even mandated, the doubts and defiance of the
newly bereaved. When close relatives of the deceased are occupied with
the burial arrangements, they are exempt from performing the positive
commandments. .Mourners do not have to praise the God who has left
them bereft. An
Onen Does Not: - Study Torah
- Put on tefillin (a rabbi should be consulted if a funeral is delayed)
- Act as a prayer leader, unless no one else is capable filling the role
- Count as part of a minyan
- Say the blessings before or after food
- Say the blessing Asher Yatzar after using the bathroom
An Onen is encouraged to begin facing the sorrow of a loss by
avoiding joyous experiences. During this time an Onen refrains
from consuming traditional festive foods like meat and wine.
An Honor Supreme: Another
View of the Onen’s Mitzva Restrictions
Honoring the dead, k’vod ha-met, with a timely, dignified
burial is a positive mitzva duty that takes precedence over all
others. All barriers to completing this mitzva are removed.
For example, during Shiva mourners do not wear leather
shoes. Since flimsier shoes may impede a primary mourner as she or he
is preparing for the funeral, leather shoes may be worn during the
Shiva period.
Shabbat and the Onen
An individual’s need to mourn and an individual’s role as a member
of the Jewish community are delicately balanced. A mourner is called
upon to remain part of the communal joy, at least outwardly, even as
an Onen.
On Shabbat, for example, the Onen eats festive foods like
meat and wine, goes to synagogue, and observes the Shabbat laws.
Inward, personal mourning continues.
The Onen does not learn Torah, act as prayer leader, or make
love. There is a difference in opinion whether Kaddish is
recited at this time or not.
Comforting an Onen
Before the burial, the community is not expected to visit, to make
a condolence call, to bring food over or perform any of the
traditional caring acts. “Do not comfort the mourner while the dead
lay before him.” – cautions Mishna Avot 4:18.
A contributor to Lifecycles (Jewish Lights Publishing, 1994)
compares the Onen period to an earthquake. “The separation
between body and soul is still reverberating in the house. The
rebuilding cannot begin until the shaking has ended.”
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