When to Visit
Some suggest the reason Jewish mourning practices are so numerous is to saturate the initial period of mourning with grief. After this intense time of dwelling on the loss, it is hoped excessive mourning will be unnecessary and curbed. Jews venerate their dead by living lives of active goodness.
Although no Jewish law explicitly forbids it, mourners do not visit a cemetery within the first thirty days of mourning. Jewish custom supplies broad guidelines for visits. A bride or groom would visit a parent’s grave before getting married, and others visit before the High Holidays begin.
What to Say
A visit may evoke words of Psalms, a Kaddish, or the El Maleh Rachamim memorial prayer. Sephardic liturgy’s Hashkaba prays for the departed soul. Syrian Jews read lines from the long acrostic Psalm 119 to spell out the Hebrew name of the deceased. This psalm expresses loyalty to the word of God and hope for salvation. Sometimes the only words that come to mind are psalms written in the prayer book of the heart.
Placing A Stone on the Grave
Where other mourners place flowers, Jews lay pebbles. Murky origins surround this custom, but it is a sure way to leave evidence of a gravesite visit, one that will not wilt or blow away. Some attribute the custom to the ancient practice of covering a grave with stones to keep scavengers, in animal or human form, away. A visitor who leaves a pebble, then, is caring for the grave’s honorable upkeep.
Cemetery Etiquette
Basic respect should be shown. Refrain from eating, shouting and walking on the graves if possible.
