Explaining Death to Children
Jewish law doesn’t prescribe a formula for talking with children about death. The ideas below are based upon an essay in Jewish Family and Life. (See Bibliography for more information.)
Try to avoid euphemisms with children who may not grasp the meaning behind niceties and nuances. “Passed away”, “went to another world”, “went to a better place” are easier to say but not as clear as saying “died.” Be clear that a cemetery is where dead people are buried, not resting, not sleeping, and not the home of ghosts in cartoons. Saying “grandpa went to sleep and didn’t wake up” is frightening for children who are told to go to sleep each night.
Explaining what death means can be done through examples like a leaf that was once alive on the tree and now fallen to the ground. Broken toys, ones that won’t work even with new batteries, may help explain why a doctor couldn’t “fix” a loved one.
Putting death into a child’s terms may mean saying that death is when people cannot laugh or cry anymore, like a friend who moved away, but can’t call or write anymore.
It is comforting to mention that there is a part of a person that lives on. Depending on what you believe, you could explain that a person has two parts: body and soul. Death is the end of the body, but the soul lives on. Or if soul talk is uncomfortable, speak of the love and memory that remain like a song that may be sung even without the printed lyrics in hand.
Be reassuring. Driving home the universality of death is not a must. Don’t feel obligated to give a lesson on death: “Everyone dies. Mommy, daddy, and you will all die some day.” Some discussions are best saved for another time. Be sure to remind them that you are willing to talk about their sadness, even if it makes you sad.
Avoid burdening a child with your hostility. Just like it’s damaging to slam an ex-spouse in front of your children, it’s not productive to say: “Grandpa would have lived longer if not for that no good sister of mine.”
Bringing Children to a House of Mourning
Shielding children from mourning is not always in their best interest. Use your judgment, but a visit to someone who is observing Shiva demystifies the impact of death and mourning. By taking the time to offer condolences in person, a child learns the value of comforting the bereaved.
Confronting the Loss of a Baby by Yamin Levy
Rabbi Levy, himself the father of a stillborn baby, expresses a contemporary
view of the need for healing the loss of a baby.
When a Baby Dies by Nancy Kohner, Alix Henley Using letters from and interviews with many bereaved parents,
Nancy Kohner and Alix Henley have written a book which offers understanding of
what it means to lose a baby and the grief that follows.
