About A Mourner’s Special Status Before the Burial
Death provokes the darkest view of God. Why live as a Jew when God has brought such pain? Doubts and defiance by a person with the raw wounds of bereavement are expected, even mandated, by Jewish law. When close relatives of the deceased are occupied with the burial arrangements, they are termed Onenim (or Onen in the singular) and are exempt from performing the positive commandments like praying, putting on tefillin, saying blessings over food. A mourner doesn’t have to perform the charade of praising the God who claims lives of those most precious.
This permission does not extend to actively transgressing Jewish law. Only active positive commandments should be ignored.
Another way to view the Onen restrictions is that honoring the dead, k’vod ha-met, with a timely, dignified burial is a positive mitzvah duty that takes precedence over all others. All barriers to completing this mitzvah are removed. Therefore the Onen is exempt from many other religious obligations. Perhaps to facilitate ease of movement, the mourner, who traditionally does not wear leather shoes during shiva, may wear leather shoes during this period.
An Onen is encouraged to begin facing the sorrow of a loss by avoiding joyous experiences. Not eating meat and wine are traditional ways to keep the menu less festive. In the words the Mishna, “There is no joy except with meat and wine.”
Comforting an Onen
Before the burial, the community is not expected to visit, to make a condolence call, to bring food over or perform any of the traditional caring acts extended to mourners.
“Do not comfort the mourner while the dead lay before him.” – cautions the Mishna (Avot 4:18). A contributor to Lifecycles (Vol. I, p. 346) compares the Onen period to an earthquake. “The separation between body and soul is still reverberating in the house. The rebuilding cannot begin until the shaking has ended.”
