Grave Markers – Biblical and Traditional
“And Rachel died and was buried on the way to Ephrat which is Beit Lechem. And Jabob erected a tombstone on Rachel’s grave.” (Genesis 5:19-20)
The Hebrew word for a gravestone is “matzevah” meaning to guard or bear witness. Inscribed stones define the final resting-place as a physical space, a place to visit. A marked grave is a symbol of honor for the deceased and should be erected as soon as possible. One is even permitted to leave a shiva house to arrange for the marker’s creation.
A matzevah also serves a practical purpose. Grave markers would warn descendants of the Kohen - priestly class - of the ancient Temple, who could not serve in the Temple after coming in contact with the dead or their resting places, would be warned of the presence of a grave.
Styles, Inscriptions and Symbols
Stones that are set flush with the ground are not a first choice. Jewish custom instructs cemetery visitors to avoid stepping on a grave. Unless the outline of the grave is marked, it is hard to tell if a ground level marker is a head or footstone.
Inscriptions vary by custom and preference. Hebrew name inscriptions vary. The Ashkenzaic custom had been to mention the father’s name on the stone. The Sephardic custom included the mother’s name exclusively. The names of both parents are carved into gravestones.
Non-Jewish sounding names, like Christopher, may be inscribed on markers in Jewish cemeteries. Unusual names are increasingly commonplace because of the many Jews-by-choice and naming customs.
Engraving photos onto the stone is not against Jewish law, but neither is it a Jewish custom, except among Jews from the former Soviet Union.
Important relationships: mother, father, teacher, great-grandmother, and teacher have found their way onto Jewish gravestones.
Hebrew acronyms of the letters Pay and Nun stand for “poh nikaver,” “here lies.” The longer acronym Taf, Nun,Tzadi, Vet, Hey expresses t’bey nafsho(ah) tzerurah bitzror ha-hayyim which means “May his/her soul be bound up in bonds of eternal life.”
Six-pointed Stars of David are common features on Jewish stones. A lineage among the Kohen priestly class was noted by the spread hands of the priestly blessing. A pitcher, symbolizing the water a Levite would pour over the hands of the Kohen, marks many Levite graves.
A To-Do List
The monument maker will want to know the name of the cemetery and the exact location of the plot. Cemeteries have guidelines regarding the style, size and shape of the markers. Tradition calls for simple grave markers, in contrast to the elaborate tombs of other nations.
Find out the correct spellings of the full English name and the full Hebrew name of the deceased including his mother’s and father’s names (some communities include the father’s name only, while others include the mother’s name only). A rabbi can look up the Jewish date of birth and death for the inscription.
When to Hold an Unveiling Service
Honoring a grave with a marker is important and should be done as soon as possible. Generally, unveilings are scheduled anytime after the shiva and before the first yahrzeit, anniversary of death. Waiting more than a year is too long to leave a grave unmarked. Sephardim often arrange for the unveiling to coincide with the end of the thirty-day period of mourning, the sheloshim.
The Service
Dedicating the grave marker requires no formal service. A short service that includes the El Maleh Rahamim memorial prayer, some psalms, and a Kaddish (if there is a minyan in attendance) is standard.
The cemetery will often supply the unveiling cloth. If not a simple piece of fabric or even a handkerchief can be used. (An unveiling is primarily a dedication of the marker and doesn’t necessarily have to include a formal removal of a cloth.) The cover is used is removed after the service.
Sometimes a brief eulogy is said. The unveiling is not a second funeral. It is a chance to reminisce, to give voice to the thoughts and memories that had been awakened during the mourning period.
A smaller group attends the unveiling than the funeral, usually just close relatives and friends. A minyan of ten males over the age of bar mitzva should be present in order to say Kaddish at the close of the ceremony.
Food and drink are not served. Customs vary, but it is usually considered disrespectful to eat and make the light conversation that comes with eating among the dead who can’t enjoy these pleasures. Refreshments run counter to the solemnity of the unveiling. But there is an old tradition of making a “L’chaim,” offering a brief toast of “to life,” at a gravesite. Perhaps this custom is meant to recall the Jewish belief in the everlasting life of the soul.
A To-Do List
Prepare for the unveiling by checking with the monument maker
that the stone is ready.
If unveiling announcements are going to be sent out, include a
map with plot location and mail them a few weeks in advance.
Be
sure to send one to the rabbi. Schedule the date with a rabbi if
one will be officiating (some rabbis require several weeks of
advance notice to keep their schedules clear). Tell the rabbi a
bit about the deceased, so he can make appropriate, short remarks.
Inform cemetery officials of the hour and date of the service.
Check with the cemetery officials if they will supply a covering
for the unveiling.
Call or send out announcements that specify
time, date and a map to the gravesite.
Before the marker is
transported to the cemetery, check the stone inscription for
errors in name spellings and dates.
