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What to Say to Children About Death
Jewish law doesn’t prescribe a formula for talking with children about death.
The ideas below are based upon an essay in Jewish Family and Life
(See Bibliography for more information.) Try to avoid euphemisms
with children who may not grasp what you are trying to say. “Passed
away,” “went to another world,” and “went to a better place” are
easier to say but not as clear as “died.”
Be clear that a cemetery is where dead people are buried, not
resting, not sleeping, and not the home of ghosts in cartoons.
Saying “grandpa went to sleep and didn’t wake up” is frightening for
children who are told to go to sleep each night. Explaining what
death means can be done through examples like a leaf that was once
alive on the tree and now fallen to the ground.
Broken toys, ones that won’t work even with new batteries, may help
explain why a doctor couldn’t fix a problem.
Putting death into a child’s terms may mean saying that death is
when people cannot laugh or cry anymore, like a friend who moved
away, but can’t call or write anymore. It is comforting to mention
that there is a part of a person that lives on. Explain that a
person has two parts: body and soul.
Death is the end of the body, but the soul lives on. Speak of the
love and memory that remain like a song that may be sung even
without the printed lyrics in hand. Be reassuring.
Driving home the universality of death is not a must. Don’t feel
forced to say “you too will die.” Some discussions are best saved
for another time. Be sure to remind them that you are willing to
talk about their sadness, even if it makes you sad too.
Avoid burdening a child with your hostility. Just like it’s damaging
to slam an ex-spouse in front of his children, it’s not productive
to say: “Grandpa would have lived longer if not for that no good
sister of mine.”
Bringing Children to A Mourner’s House
Shielding children from mourning is not always in their best interest. Use your judgment, but a visit to someone who is observing Shiva demystifies the impact of death and mourning. Through taking the time to offer condolences in person, a child learns the value of comforting the bereaved.
Recommended Reading
Confronting the Loss of a Baby by Yamin Levy
Rabbi Levy, himself the father of a stillborn baby, expresses a contemporary
view of the need for healing the loss of a baby.
When a Baby Dies by Nancy Kohner, Alix Henley
Using letters from and interviews with many bereaved parents,
Nancy Kohner and Alix Henley have written a book which offers understanding of
what it means to lose a baby and the grief that follows.
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